Impatient

We were given names so that
we could live out it's true meaning.
To help us grow into that self with the suffix "ish.
Names give us an identity
the first as a personal identity
and the last name to show family relationships
but lets not forget the middle name
that serves so many roles except identification.
It could be cultural, religious
or if you are like me whose parent
had no male child, you'd keep your dad's name
so he wouldn't worry that his branch
on the family tree would be cut off.
My first name is Nancy meaning grace
and my last name is Aizojie
which is something inbetween royalty and kingship.
My middle name holds no middleground
for these perfect titles I have been saddled with.
"impatient" is what it is
Not one to retract, double back or pause
I just want to run, jump,
fly and fast forward to I'm
a patient doctored by self belief
that made me self centred to thinking
it always had to be about me.
I was closely monitored by self denial
so I was never discharged,
taking meds that will self destruct
and lying in a state with no one
to call for aid other than the
self righteous person curled inside myself
and I struggled to break the bond
between me and self
in other not to remain in ICU
cos I couldn't pay the price of solitary
confinement for the rest of my life
I knew in that moment that was
no more than a flicker in the face
of self awareness that I'd placed
an armour that hid me away
from the warmth of others and
I from them, the core of living is
seperating the reel from reality
and accepting that there isn't a director
to stage and retake until we
get the part right.
we ought to live for today or relive
the horror of wishing we could have
done better than yesterday
or die without taking the hand
of a tomorrow never lived
This isn't a self abasement to
humiliate myself and decry my self worth.
what this is, is knowing my flaws
and facing up to it cos I have made
so many mistakes that you should
take this and miss the message.
Memoirs are made from memories
and it's about that time I began
making mine not about me, myself and I.